hello again

My fortress of solitude, heartbreak and sadness, I never thought that I had any use for you after the whole Yenzhi incident. But it seems that things aren't as rosy as I hoped they would be. Maybe I'm just ill-fated when it comes to relationships. Maybe I just don't know how to handle them.

This latest episode really did take me by surprise and I've never felt so depressed since Yenzhi left me. This feeling's akin to losing her again. The heartache felt strangely familiar. I wanted to speak to ling tonight and tell her how miserable I felt. And then I realized that I was feeling miserable because of her.

I just felt so alone this afternoon. The entire job application thing, writing cover letters, sending in job applications, they've been really stressful. Thinking about whether I can get a job's really taken a toll on me. But I thought that I could at least rely on ling to feel happy and cheered. Now, it seems like everything's going against me.

I honestly can't understand how all these happened. I can't believe things changed so dramatically so quickly. That night, we were just having a dinner date, talking about random stuff and all. It turned to the Yenzhi story. In a way, that was good. I felt that I could finally lay that incident to rest, forgive, forget and move on.

I don't know how the conversation started to turn to ling feeling pressurized. She says that the thought of the relationship lasting forever pressurizes her. I really can't understand that. Wouldn't it be worse if I couldn't see the relationship lasting? And that I can only see us now, and not in the future? I honestly think that's worse. And it sucks to know that she's unable to think of a long term future with both of us.

When I came to Hong Kong, she said that she finally realized that I was the one for her. The one...what does that mean to her really? 6 weeks on, I'm no longer. I'm not 'the one' yet. She can't see that far. It's really a huge setback. Being so afraid of having my heart broken, and then having my heart broken again.

Xinyi said that I need to make the bigger sacrifice since I'm the guy. I would, but till when? Girls are more insecure? And I'm not insecure too? I really don't know how to be a better boyfriend to ling. Is it really too much to ask for her to think that there will be a future for us? Is 'forever' really so difficult to imagine?

I don't know where this relationship is headed anymore. Taking things day by day. What if one day she just again suddenly realizes I'm not the one for her. It's not to say that it couldn't happen if we could see long term. But it really adds to the security, that we're going for the same thing. Ling told me that she's not giving up on us, and she doesn't want me to give up too. But I really feel so down now. How is it that whenever I open my heart up to someone, it gets cut so badly. I wish this were a dream. I woke up this morning, thinking of messaging ling to wish her good morning and all. Then I suddenly remembered what we talked about last night. All the happy feelings vanished instantly.

Somehow, I think trust had been eroded, at least on my part. What she did really kind of broke my heart. How can I ever know for sure if she really means what she say, that I'm the one. Would she again retract it a few weeks down the road? I'd feel so insecure. And I really don't know what to do now.

Xinyi says to clarify things when I'm calm. I'm certainly not calm at all now. I'm angry, disappointed, disheartened, sad, and whatever else negative feeling you can name. I honestly feel let down and I don't know how to recover from this. ling says that the difference between this and the Yenzhi incident is that she still loves me and wants to keep the relationship. I know that's true, but I just don't know how to be myself now, knowing that she wants things to be slow, she wants more space for herself, and that she doesn't know what's going to happen in future. It scares me, it honestly does.

I'm so confused now. I don't want to give up on our relationship, but it honestly feels like I got dumped. The heartache again, feels so strangely familiar.

What should I do?